


A Very Morbit Christmas

by Bluesunnyday



Category: Morbit
Genre: Bitchin' Christmas Parties, Chatlogs, Christmas in February, Demagogue Makes Mistakes, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 16:48:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13574775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluesunnyday/pseuds/Bluesunnyday
Summary: In an alternate Morbit with less outright chaos and easy access to IM programs, Voidsy speaks to Demagogue about their home universe, including the holiday of Christmas. Demagogue goes a bit overboard. Also, Santa dies twice.





	A Very Morbit Christmas

'twas Morbit before Christmas,  
And all through the house,  
Demagogue was IM-ing,  
Hand on her computer's mouse.

PhantomThiefOfSmut: Man, we didn't think you guys had... uh, Winter, we guess?  
BeNotAfraid: Why wouldn't we? From what little I understand from speaking with various collectives, seasons tend to be a recurring thing in universes.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Well, yeah, but a big chunk of me was convinced that instead of snow you guys had, like...  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Flakes of meat. Cold flakes of meat that small adorable children made meatmen out of. Like a fucked up Dickens novel.  
BeNotAfraid: Who?  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Forget it.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Man, almost makes us wish you guys had Christmas or something. One of those holidays.  
BeNotAfraid: Christmas? What's that? I'm always eager to learn about new holidays.

The god typed out all,  
Her responses with care.  
She prayed that Void's answers,  
Soon would be there!

PhantomThiefOfSmut: Uh, well, it's a long, ridiculous story.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Involving itchy sweaters, ignored religious origins, and going to the mall at 2 AM for a 50% discount on consumer electronics.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: We've got time, I guess, if you wanna hear about it?  
BeNotAfraid: Go for it.

The eyeball was nestled all snug in her seat,  
As Voidsy explained, she thought it pretty neat!  
Unfortuntately, my rhyming must now end,  
This is just way too hard, I'm not gonna pretend.

PhantomThiefOfSmut: And then five weeks later you find the leftovers in the back of your fridge, finally throw them out, and the holidays are officially over.  
BeNotAfraid: Wow!  
BeNotAfraid: Just... wow.  
BeNotAfraid: That sounds really fun, actually.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Some of us definitely had a good time with it.  
BeNotAfraid: We should do that, here, just this year.  
BeNotAfraid: It'll be, like, a welcoming party for you!  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: We had one of those already.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: It was awesome.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Caller jumped out of the cake, tripped, and broke his leg.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: We think we still have the photos.  
BeNotAfraid: Yeah, but, like  
BeNotAfraid: That was a Morbit party. This can be an Earth party! For you!  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: We mean... if you want? We think it could be fun, sure.  
BeNotAfraid: Awesome! I'm gonna make preparations right away!

Demagogue opens a few new tabs, beginning to harass everyone in a friendly manner.

BeNotAfraid: CALLER. CALLER WE GOTTA TALK.  
LifeByGlamour: Demagogue it is literally 3 AM.  
BeNotAfraid: What, so you were asleep?  
LifeByGlamour: No, but neither of us are sleeping well and I'd rather spend as little time not with Brain as possible tonight.  
BeNotAfraid: Oh. Well, uh, Voidsy told me about this holiday from their universe.  
BeNotAfraid: And I was thinking we could all celebrate it. And I was gonna ask if you'd be willing to host the party at your place.  
LifeByGlamour: Lemme ask the better half.  
BeNotAfraid: Tell her I said hi.

A few minutes pass.

LifeByGlamour: She said no. And also hi back.  
BeNotAfraid: Damn, really?  
LifeByGlamour: She'd really rather not deal with, quote, “a lot of drunk gods in our home”.  
BeNotAfraid: We won't be drinking.  
LifeByGlamour: Are you inviting Wretch and/or Eastwood?  
BeNotAfraid: Yes.  
LifeByGlamour: There will be drinking, then. It might as well be a law of physics.

Demagogue is rather annoyed by Caller's statement... but, well, he's not wrong, she reflects.

BeNotAfraid: That's fair. Well, you can at least help me decorate when we do find someone to host it, right?  
LifeByGlamour: Have I ever not?  
BeNotAfraid: You're the best. Have a good night.  
LifeByGlamour: Pray our coffee reserves hold out.

Well, there's one bit of preparation out of the way. Next up!

BeNotAfraid: Hey, man. Having a good evening?  
GiantCatPerson: Good enough.  
GiantCatPerson: Do you need something?  
BeNotAfraid: Aw, cmon, we never just chat anymore.  
GiantCatPerson: ...so you don't need anything?  
BeNotAfraid: Okay fine you got me.  
BeNotAfraid: Voidsy told me about this holiday they've got in their home universe and I'm getting help to set up a party.  
GiantCatPerson: No.  
BeNotAfraid: And I was wondering if you'd want to come to the party.  
BeNotAfraid: Aw cmon you saw the typing indicator that was rude.  
GiantCatPerson: Not really interested, sorry. I've got other things on my plate.  
BeNotAfraid: But there'll be cookies! And presents!  
GiantCatPerson: 'Gogue, please.  
BeNotAfraid: No fair, you can't use the nickname on me like this!  
GiantCatPerson: 'Gogue...  
BeNotAfraid: ...okay.  
BeNotAfraid: I getcha. Just... stay safe, alright?  
GiantCatPerson: You too.

It goes on like this for a few hours, Demagogue messaging people to start preparing bits and pieces. Decorations, gift-shopping, food and drink, all of that. And then Demagogue prepares the crown jewel of this entire affair.

She closes her eye. She focuses her power. All the strength of her belief, pushing against reality. The greatest challenge she'd ever undergone, but she would succeed, she was certain of it. Out loud, she spoke four words.

“Santa Claus Is Real”.

And so he was.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Approximately two hours after being brought to life, Santa Claus was bludgeoned to death by Spit in a tragic misunderstanding. Demagogue noticed this, which led to a rather hasty set of messages sent back and forth.

BeNotAfraid: Spit? Spit, I promise, I'm not mad.  
XmeatwadX: lol do you actually think I care or something  
BeNotAfraid: ...well, no.  
BeNotAfraid: But that man you just killed is Santa Claus.  
BeNotAfraid: And I want to know why you killed him when all he wanted to do was give you all presents.  
XmeatwadX: dude this fat old alien or whatever was just throwing actual coal all over the fucking place  
XmeatwadX: how was I supposed to take that as anything but an arson attempt in progress  
XmeatwadX: people try to burn my entire cult every other week its like an mmo raid or something  
XmeatwadX: except im the final boss so they'll never win ever  
BeNotAfraid: I shudder to imagine what loot you'd drop.  
XmeatwadX: nobody knows, nobody ever will.  
BeNotAfraid: It's okay, I can fix this. Nobody else saw you do this, right?  
XmeatwadX: bitch if I told everyone every time I killed a dude there'd be hourly updates  
BeNotAfraid: Cool. Santa's actually alive.  
XmeatwadX: fuck can you at least warn me before you go believing shit  
XmeatwadX: worse than nails on a chalkboard good god  
BeNotAfraid: I could, but since this is non-canon I'm going to take every opportunity I can to make you uncomfortable.  
XmeatwadX: what?  
BeNotAfraid: Nothing.

Demagogue sighs. Well, time to continue party preparations. Surely there's no way Spit could do that twice, right? He was somewhere else entirely, and she wasn't allowed out of Consumption without Rein's permission...

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

BeNotAfraid: Yo hey chain-pain we gotta talk.  
CobraCommander: Excuse me, but you are fully aware I find that moniker distasteful.  
BeNotAfraid: Aw, cmon, it rhymes and everything!  
CobraCommander: Demagogue, I would really prefer that you simply use my name in our correspondences. I may have let Void convince me to use this rather silly nom de plume on this program, but we are professionals, you and I.  
BeNotAfraid: Fine, whatever, gawd.  
BeNotAfraid: I'm doing a thing. A very important thing. Having a big party with a bunch of gods to celebrate a holiday from another universe.  
CobraCommander: I'll pass.  
BeNotAfraid: I thought you would. Which is why I'm not gonna ask you to come. I just want you to make absolutely certain that Spit doesn't come and crash the party.  
CobraCommander: Do you have any particular reason to expect that Spit would be interested in simply sabotaging a holiday party? I know she's horrifically petty, but I feel like simple gatecrashing isn't something you need to worry about from her.  
BeNotAfraid: It's a non-canon comedy story.  
CobraCommander: Point taken. I solemnly swear that Spit will not be causing any trouble for you this evening.  
BeNotAfraid: Gotcha, gotcha. Update me if you need to, I've got fish to fry.  
CobraCommander: Have a pleasant day, Demagogue. I value your contributions to the good of this world.  
BeNotAfraid: Don't die or whatever.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

LifeByGlamour: The problems are beginning at a rapid pace.  
BeNotAfraid: Oh, lord.  
LifeByGlamour: See, uh, the tree you sent me out to find? I don't actually think we have anything like it.  
LifeByGlamour: There are lots of other tree types, but somehow we do not seem to have anything remotely similar to that “pine tree” you told me to ask Voidsy about.  
BeNotAfraid: Really? Honestly?  
LifeByGlamour: Yeah, seems kinda contrived, doesn't it?  
LifeByGlamour: Like some cosmic force deliberately arranged it, regardless of whether it makes sense, just for the sake of causing conflict and annoying us.  
BeNotAfraid: Caller, that's dumb, you're dumb.  
LifeByGlamour: Sorry.  
BeNotAfraid: Look just find a tree, any tree, we can work around this.  
LifeByGlamour: Okay, I guess. I hope you know what you're doing.  
BeNotAfraid: Of COURSE I know what I'm doing. Absolutely everyone has been assigned to the best duty possible.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

BlacklightMold: yoooooo you forgot to mention how spiked you wanted the punch so there's just a buncha shit in there ur welcome  
BeNotAfraid: Excuse me?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

CobraCommander: I would like you to know that Spit has arrived at my lodgings.  
BeNotAfraid: Oh, good! Keep here there 'til tomorrow, that works out.  
CobraCommander: She has arrived with a body, however. Some species I have never seen before, clad in a red and white outfit.  
BeNotAfraid: ...huh?  
CobraCommander sent “PoorUnfortunateSoul.png” [Seen]  
BeNotAfraid: ...fuck.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

BeNotAfraid: WHY DID YOU KILL SANTA AGAIN?!?  
BeNotAfraid: HE WASN'T EVEN IN CONSUMPTION ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!?  
XmeatwadX: self defense.  
BeNotAfraid: What could he possibly have done that you'd have any sort of justification for claiming self defense???  
XmeatwadX: ran into him on the way to rein's and he reached into that big red sack of his.  
XmeatwadX: it looked like he was getting a gun so I got scared and killed him.  
BeNotAfraid: You are literally incapable of feeling fear, and bullets do nothing to you.  
XmeatwadX: still self defense.  
BeNotAfraid: Was eating his arm also self defense?  
XmeatwadX: stress eating.  
BeNotAfraid: ...okay, that's it. Santa can't die permanently, he's fucking magic.  
XmeatwadX: oh, cmon now, that's cheating and you know it.  
BeNotAfraid: FUCK YOU, THIS ISN'T CANON ANYWAYS  
XmeatwadX: why do you keep saying that

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

BlacklightMold: okay eastwood and me have all the snacks set up, and drinks. All the good shit.  
BeNotAfraid: You included non-alcoholic options, correct?  
BlacklightMold: ...uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh  
BlacklightMold: yes  
BeNotAfraid: Please get some soda or something before the party.  
BlacklightMold: yeah okay  
BeNotAfraid: I value your work here, Wretch. I know I can count on you here.  
BlacklightMold: im doing my best, thats for sure.  
BeNotAfraid: And your best is very good. I couldn't do this without you.  
BlacklightMold: ...thanks.  
BeNotAfraid: You do good work. You're valuable.  
BlacklightMold: okay laying it on a bit thick  
BlacklightMold: bit jealous about how good voidsy is at this shit?  
BeNotAfraid: ...a little.  
BlacklightMold: hahahahaha, you're adorable  
BlacklightMold: anyhow, back to work.  
BeNotAfraid: Thanks. This is gonna be awesome.  
BlacklightMold: hell yeah!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PhantomThiefOfSmut: Uh, you know, Dema, we're really flattered here. Honest.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: But I think you might be letting this go to your head a bit.  
BeNotAfraid: NO. THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.  
BeNotAfraid: MAXIMUM JOLLY. THE JOLLIEST.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: No, see, this is what we mean.  
BeNotAfraid: THE PARTY'S IN AN HOUR AND WE'RE ALMOST DONE SETTING IT UP.  
BeNotAfraid: YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT, IT'LL BE THE BEST.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: I mean, you guys do throw some pretty rocking parties. Even that terrifying dog angel with the missing head is a good time.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: But we really do think you need to calm down. This is just supposed to be fun! Everyone getting together to enjoy each others' company.  
BeNotAfraid: You literally told me there's always someone who goes nuts trying to arrange things perfectly.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: That wasn't supposed to be an instruction, Dema.  
BeNotAfraid: Look, it's going to be great. Everyone's going to have fun. It'll be the best Christmas ever, I promise.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Technically, as the first Christmas on Morbit, it will by definition be the best Christmas ever by default.  
BeNotAfraid: Smartass.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: The smartest ass. Seeya soon, Dema.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

BeNotAfraid opened group chat “Picking Up The Pieces”

LifeByGlamour: Oh, fuck you.  
BeNotAfraid: Whoops, poor choice of words, there.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Did you just, like, forget that Caller broke his entire body?  
BeNotAfraid: Actually, yes.  
LifeByGlamour: Not cool.  
BlacklightMold: oooooohhhhhh everyone please stop typing so loud my head is melting here  
CrackalackinRock: Demagogue how did you get my new account  
BeNotAfraid: Look I just... want to apologize for how that party went, okay?  
BeNotAfraid: It was a mess. I was a mess. None of it went well.  
LifeByGlamour: Oh, no, no, I think it went pretty fine up to the point the tree fell on me and shattered everything but my head.  
LifeByGlamour: Though the capstone totally has to be that that happened immediately after I unwrapped that jacket during the secret santa.  
CrackalackinRock: I honestly barely remember any of what happened during that party I was stoned out of my fucking gourd.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: What gourd?  
CrackalackinRock: Shut up.  
BlacklightMold: stooooooop i'm too hungover to figure out how to turn off notifications it just keeps making noise  
BeNotAfraid: Look, just... I got too overwhelmed. I wanted all of this to be fun for everyone, and I went over the top in doing so. I mean, I literally made Santa Claus real, just to make everything more genuine.  
LifeByGlamour: Did we ever actually catch him after he startled me into knocking over the tree?  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: You can't catch Santa, dummy, he's magic.  
BeNotAfraid: The point is, things got really crazy. People got drunk, and rowdy, and it was a big set of disaster dominoes.  
LifeByGlamour: Could you at least use metaphorical imagery that doesn't suggest things falling on top of other things?  
BeNotAfraid: I just... wanted to see if you'd all be willing to forgive me?  
BlacklightMold: yes okay just close the chat please so that my computer will stop fucking dinging at me fuck  
CrackalackinRock: Brb, taking Wretch's laptop so she can sleep.  
BeNotAfraid: Thank you, Eastwood.  
LifeByGlamour: I mean, on the bright side, while I'm a terrifying severed head I can just spend a while being spoiled by my girlfriend.  
LifeByGlamour: So while I am exceptionally pissed, I will at least accept your apology here.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Yeah, this whole thing was... a mess. A huge, ugly mess.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: But... we're all really, really honored that you'd go so far just to make us feel welcome, Dema.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: And maybe now that the initial chaos of you latching onto the idea is out of the way, next year we can make things right.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: And with less decapitation. That'd be really super.  
CrackalackinRock: Back  
CrackalackinRock: Oh by the way I talked to Grind and he says he's not gonna rewind this one.  
CrackalackinRock: To quote the man himself “You wouldn't learn.”  
BeNotAfraid: Fair.  
CrackalackinRock: And I mean besides passing the fuck out towards the end I had a good time with all of that.  
CrackalackinRock: So youre forgiven I guess even though I'm not actually upset with you at all congratulations.  
BeNotAfraid: ...thanks.  
BeNotAfraid: I'm sorry things got kinda crazy. And I want you all to know that I'm just glad you all went along with me here. Even if it did end poorly.  
BeNotAfraid: And next year is gonna be better. And less insane.  
BeNotAfraid: Merry Christmas, everyone.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Merry Christmas, Demagogue.  
BeNotAfraid closed the group chat.

Demagogue let out a sigh as she turned off her computer. She was dead tired, and ever so slightly hung over after the ill-defined events of last night. She needed a long nap, she thought.

But... that could wait. She needed to make plans. After all, Christmas was only 364 days away! Barely any time at all...


End file.
